Dear Diary: Losing My Self-Esteem

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Lately I’ve been feeling this petty, and bratty feeling of losing self-esteem. It’s hurting me to the point that it has been affecting my actions in a negative way. I just wanna share my experience and thoughts regarding this matter…

It started when I made a song cover of Song A, and I felt good about it. Mama said it was better than the original track. I was so proud that everytime I heard my cover, it sounded so beautiful to me.  The next day, I let my ISTJ sister listen. She commented on how it was too loud and intense compared to the cool and soft way the original song was. Feeling embarrassed by that (I also think she has a point), I didn’t even let her finish and turned the song off, which she did not hear completely even today.

Lately, I have been practicing for two competitions I’m entering: Declamation and Singing. Not to brag, but those are the categories I feel pretty confident that I’m good at proven by the years of performing and winning them. Those are kinda like one of my best talents. Usually, I wouldn’t care much about opportunities and comments I receive and take it as a good advice to improve. But lately, I’ve been losing my self esteem.

This singing competition I’m joining, where I’m going to sing a duet with someone, has elements I’m not comfortable with. The song choice, the way of singing, the way of practicing are all not what I expected. The genre left me feeling a lot of times that I simply can’t sing the songs well though my partner can. Not to boast (and yes, this is a bad feeling) but I thought I was better than my partner, but lately even with mama’s (my #1 supporter) comments, my partner is better than me. As much as I want to learn how to improve myself by challenging myself into the realm that I’m not familiar with, I can’t help but tell myself that I can’t do it, I have no talent, and I get embarrassed by myself to the point that I almost cried a couple of times.

Declamation practice, however, was awesome. My feel good level was a hundred percent! I loved seeing myself do what I thought I couldn’t. I was so in the mood for declamation that I even asked mama for us to continue practice. However today, we let my ISTJ sister watch the recorded video of the practice and she comments on all opportunities I need to work on. I guess because of the lack of praise-worthy comments and me having a hang over from singing practice depression, I was trying to stop her from continuing watching (that I guess I was obviously defensive). Usually, when I feel good about what I did, I watch myself repeatedly and even criticize myself while feeling good. However today, while they continued watching, I didn’t look, I left, and I couldn’t help but cry a bit in the bathroom. I didn’t return for a while to hide the traces of tears. The sound of me declaiming became hurtful to me that it was piercing through my heart that I’m not good everytime I heard myself.

I don’t know. Yes. It’s a bratty feeling. I hate it. I want it to stop. It’s not right. And I can’t move forward while having this feeling. I’ve even been doing the power stance (raising both hands up to the sky like a victorious position), but it doesn’t work. It’s just that, losing your self-esteem is you losing your confidence on what you thought you did best. And that is a kind of feeling that will dig your grave.

But, you know what? This is wrong. All the glory is to God! I don’t own the glory if I’m “good” at singing or declaiming. It’s a God given talent that I shouldn’t feel too proud about like I’m the one who owns it. If I’m criticized, I have to take it “lightly” and just learn from it. Because again, all the glory is God’s and is not mine.

P.S. But I think, other than thinking that you’re failing at what you do best, it’s also the all-negative comments I’m getting. Haha! My ISTJ sister for example is not very used to giving compliments and usually ends up just saying all the negatives without even saying the positives. Lol

The end

Sorry for that emo thingy.

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One thought on “Dear Diary: Losing My Self-Esteem

  1. Pingback: Living with an ISTJ Sister as an ENFP | * ~ Koi Miazaki ~ *

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